Data and statistics are the bedrock of any good financial plan.
I’ve always been a math nerd at heart – it’s why I became a financial planner in the first place. But as the years have gone by, I’ve seen time and time again that data and statistics only get you so far. It can be easy to get so bogged down with data and spreadsheets that you lose sight of the most important pieces of your financial plan – or even use data to draw the wrong conclusions.
Some of the ways that the media, academics, and financial planners talk about money and marriage statistics are really good. Surveys and statistics can highlight really important issues and call peoples’ attention to warning signs before they become a huge problem.
But in the world of clickbait journalism, Instagram Reels, and sound-byte media, I often see statistics about money and marriage problems used in misleading ways or, more commonly, shared without highlighting important nuances. These sorts of omissions can cause people to draw the wrong conclusions and make financial mistakes… which often make the underlying problems worse.
Below, I highlight four of the most common financial questions and issues that couples face and reference several statistics and academic research findings that I often see cited in each of these areas.
Unfortunately, I often see people draw false or incomplete conclusions from these data points. As a Certified Financial Planner™ and Certified Financial Therapist-I™ Practitioner who specializes in helping couples get on the same financial page, my hope is that by adding some context based on what I’ve seen work for hundreds of couples, you and your spouse will be able to avoid common missteps.
(If you’d prefer to listen to this article, you can get a podcast version of this post here: Money and Marriage Podcast Episode 129 – Money and Marriage Problems: What the Statistics Don’t Tell You)
Combining Bank Accounts Leads to Better Marriages?
For the past several decades, guidance for couples on whether they should combine their bank accounts after they get married has been muddled, at best. You can find money gurus out there who will tell you that you always need to combine 100% of your finances after you get married, and you can find equally respected gurus who will tell you never to combine any of your money with your spouse.
Which is why this Indiana University study published in 2023 caught my eye.
They studied hundreds of couples over a two-year period, and told half of them they needed to combine all of their bank accounts, and the other half that they couldn’t combine any accounts.
At the end of the two-year period, they found that the couples who combined bank accounts had stronger marriages, fewer money fights, and more confidence in their financial situation than couples who didn’t combine.
What’s even more striking is that they found that this relationship was causal – the act of combining accounts caused couples to be happier and more successful.
When this research was published, the common consensus in the financial media was the obvious one: couples should clearly combine all of their accounts, since doing so strengthens marriages.
What’s the problem with this conclusion?
It ignores one key component of the study: every couple who participated in the study was willing to be told that they needed to combine accounts… and were willing to do what they were told.
In the real world, this isn’t always the case. And if you try to compel someone to combine accounts who has concerns about doing so without addressing these underlying concerns… this isn’t a recipe for success.
When I coach couples through the decision to combine or not combine their accounts in my marriage-centered financial planning process, I always start by trying to understand the reasons why someone might not be interested or willing to combine accounts. Once we explore these reasons, we can pick the account structure for you based on your specific tendencies as a couple.
This almost always involves combining some accounts. But at the end of the day, it’s more important to address the underlying concerns related to this decision and to make sure you’re working together financially. If you’d like help with having these conversations, I encourage you to schedule a free breakthrough session with me.
Marriages aren’t defined by whether your Bank of America account has one or two peoples’ names on it – they’re defined by how you communicate about tough and important topics like money.
The Impact of Debt on Marriages
It probably comes as no surprise that debt is arguably the most common source of financial disunity within marriages based on the hundreds of couples I’ve talked to over the years. And the statistics back this up.
A 2023 survey by Suntrust Bank found that three in five Americans have considered postponing marriage to avoid inheriting a partner’s debt. And once you’re married, the data isn’t much better; the same survey found that 54% of people believe that having a partner in debt could be a reason for a divorce.
Having seen couples in a myriad of financial situations figure out how to handle debt as a family in a way that doesn’t lead to divorce, I can say that a) these statistics don’t surprise me, and b) I wish that they survey had asked a few follow-up questions to give the data a little more nuance.
In my experience, engaged and newlywed couples with debt – particularly if one spouse has most or all of the debt – focus too much on whose name the debt is in and who makes the payments on the debt, rather than the impact the debt will have on your future.
If your partner has a lot of debt, the “easy” answer in the short term is to say that your spouse’s debt is their own problem to deal with . . . but the problem is that their debt will have an impact on you. Even if you’re not the one paying down the debt yourself, your quality of life as a family will be impacted by your spouse making debt payments.
Maybe the impact is more in the short term – your spouse might not be able to cover “their share” of living expenses or go on vacation. In other cases, the impact is more long-term; if your spouse is struggling with debt for years, it is likely to impact your retirement goals.
If you have a healthy and otherwise happy relationship, this shouldn’t be a deal breaker (as long as your spouse is taking their debt seriously and making a good-faith effort to deal with it).
The faster you can come to terms with the idea that your spouse’s debt will impact you one way or the other, the easier it can be to find a solution for how to handle your debt that makes achieving your family’s goals as easy as possible.
The statistics show that debt has a hugely negative impact on marriages, and this is undeniably true in most cases. But, it doesn’t need to be – if you’re able to get on the same page with handling debt and implementing a plan together. If you want help getting this conversation started, you can book a free breakthrough session with me at any time.
Financial Infidelity: More Common Than You Might Expect
Usually, we use the word “infidelity” when discussing someone who cheats on their significant other, whether that be physically or emotionally. Financial infidelity doesn’t literally involve cheating, but it involves the same sense of secrecy.
The secrecy involved with financial infidelity can be incredibly detrimental to marriages in the long run – particularly if the issue isn’t corrected. And unfortunately, the data shows that financial infidelity is more common than you might expect.
A study conducted by researchers at the University of Southern Mississippi in 2018, subsequently published in the Journal of Financial Therapy, found that 27% of people admitted to keeping a financial secret from their partner, and 53% of people reported behaviors associated with financial infidelity.
Here’s the interesting thing about these two statistics: they indicate a certain degree of denial about being in financial infidelity.
To paraphrase the results, when survey respondents were given a list of acts of financial infidelity and asked if they had ever done one or more of them, 53% of people said “yes”. But when asked if they had actually committed financial infidelity, only 27% of people said yes.
Simply put, about half of the people who are engaging in acts of financial secrecy actually realize that it’s a problem. Financial infidelity has gotten more publicity over the past few years but I don’t see enough people highlighting this disparity.
It doesn’t help you to know that financial infidelity can lead to problems in your marriage if you don’t know how to identify whether you’re actually engaging in financial infidelity behaviors!
My biggest advice to help you discern whether these patterns are challenges in your own family: consider the degree to which secrecy plays a role. Periodically buying a lottery ticket or betting on a sports game isn’t necessarily a problem if it’s not an addiction and if everyone knows that it’s going on. But if you’re intentionally hiding gambling from your partner… that’s a different story.
Money Fights Are Common Sources of Marital Stress… But They Aren’t Inevitable
There are no shortage of data points that suggest that money can be a toxic factor in marriages:
- A TD Bank study in 2019 found that 40% of millennial couples argue about money at least once a week.
- The same TD Bank study found that 29% of divorced Baby Boomers and 41% of divorced Gen Xers ended their marriages due to financial disagreements.
- A study by Ally Bank in 2018 found that money was the topic that caused the most stress for couples.
- A landmark study in the Family Relationships Journal in 2012 found that financial disagreements are the number one indicator of a future divorce.
All of these statistics are true; money fights are common, pervasive, and harmful to marriages.
What drives me crazy about the way we talk about this, though, is that it can cause people to treat money as an inevitably bad thing for your marriage. And that simply isn’t true.
The data doesn’t lie – money is a huge source of stress, arguments, and disunion in marriages. But it doesn’t have to inevitably be this way.
It’s easy to look at the research about how money impacts marriages and start drawing false conclusions. “If money is something that so many couples fight about, maybe it’s best if we don’t talk about it at all.” “If managing money together causes couples to fight about money, maybe it’s easiest if we stick to what we know and keep our finances separate.”
Here’s the thing, though: the opposite is true, too.
Money can be a bad thing for your marriage if you don’t work on it together. But if you can learn how to get on the same financial page and manage money effectively with your partner, you won’t just have better financial outcomes (although you likely will have better financial outcomes!)
You’ll strengthen your marriage as well.
(My book, Marriage-Centered Money: Get on the Same Financial Page and Achieve Your Life Goals Together, gives you the step-by-step playbook to help you make this a reality! Use this link to buy the book for 50% off its listed Amazon price!)
Money Can Either Weaken or Strengthen Your Relationship. You Get to Choose Which.
Every couple has their own unique money histories, perspectives, attitudes, and values. Data and research about best practices in the field of money and marriage can provide a helpful perspective to guide your financial decision-making as a couple… but it’s important to apply these data points in the correct context.
By implementing a financial game plan for your family that both considers key research and data and specifically tailors these best practices to your family’s situation, you are much, much more likely to use your money to create the lives you love – together.
And if you ever need help getting started, you can book a free breakthrough session with me to help you get on the same financial page.