“Why can’t we get on the same financial page?” “How can we stop fighting about money?” “How do I convince my spouse to work with me on our finances?”
These are some of the most common questions I get as a Certified Financial Planner™ and Certified Financial Therapist-I™ Practitioner. And while there can be any number of causes of these issues in relationships, the very first place I advise couples to start is always the same.
The first thing couples should do to answer these questions is to address Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of relationships.
(If you’d prefer to listen to this article, you can get a podcast version of this post here: Money and Marriage Podcast Episode 141 – Effective Ways to Combat Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of Relationships.)
Despite the apocalyptic-sounding name, the Four Horsemen in our context doesn’t refer to the biblical end times. Rather, the Four Horsemen are four specific communication patterns that are incredibly detrimental to relationships.
In his research, Dr. Gottman found that he could predict whether a marriage would end in divorce or not 90% percent of the time by observing the presence of one or more of the “Four Horsemen”.
I’ve discussed on the Money and Marriage Podcast in the past how the four horsemen cause a multitude of issues in relationships. This is true when it comes to your finances, or any other aspect of your marriage.
If there aren’t any “Four Horsemen” issues in your marriage, that’s fantastic. Once we’ve crossed this off the list as a potential cause or contributor to your money fights or financial disalignment, we can move on to other potential causes.
But if the Four Horsemen are rearing their heads in your marriage, it’s important to address them head-on.
In this article, we’re going to give a quick recap of what the Four Horsemen are, and more importantly, what to do to fix them.
What are the Four Horsemen of Relationships?
Dr Gottman’s Four Horsemen are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. To give a quick summary of each:
Criticism: Attacking your partner’s personality or character rather than the problem you are trying to solve. It’s one thing to complain about a problem; it’s another to criticize the person while doing so. “Why didn’t you call me when you were running late? I was worried!” is a normal complaint, but “You never think about my feelings and just do whatever you want” crosses the line into criticism. Over time, criticism can be incredibly detrimental to your relationship.
Defensiveness: Often the response to criticism, defensiveness involves deflecting blame and avoiding responsibility for the problem. This is a very common problem in marriages that are struggling. To continue the example of the spouse who failed to call their partner to warn they were running late, an example of a defensive response to the confrontation might be “You know how busy I am. Why would you expect me to have time to call?”
Contempt: Often referred to as the most dangerous of the Four Horsemen to your relationship, contempt involves attacking your partner and placing yourself in a position of moral superiority. To treat your partner with contempt is to treat them with disrespect and meanness, either through what you say verbally or through your body language (eye rolls, etc.).
Stonewalling: Much like defensiveness is often the response to criticism, stonewalling is often the response to contempt. When you stonewall your partner, you withdraw from the conversation and stop engaging with your partner as a defense mechanism. This typically happens gradually as problems build in your relationship and things like contempt become more commonplace.
The Four Horsemen Move in Pairs
One important thing to notice that often gets glossed over when people talk about the Four Horsemen is the relationship between them. Typically, the Four Horsemen don’t “move” in isolation, but rather in pairs.
Specifically, criticism is typically met with defensiveness, and contempt is met with stonewalling. And while it’s arguably less common, the opposite can be true as well: a defensive reaction from one spouse might trigger criticism from the other, or a spouse who stonewalls can trigger contempt.
This is really important, because it can be a key part of how your family breaks out of poor communication patterns.
If:
- Each of the Four Horsemen strains your relationship, and
- When one spouse communicates in the style of one of the Four Horsemen, it is often met with the “opposite” horsemen, then
- Both spouses are a part of the communication problem… which means both of you can be part of the solution.
The Four Horsemen in relationships aren’t your spouse’s problem to fix – they’re something that both of you need to address.
It’s much, much easier to get your spouse to change if you’re working on the change together rather than pointing fingers. The fastest way to get your spouse to change their Four Horsemen communication issues might be to work on addressing your own problematic communication patterns first, demonstrating this effort, and asking your spouse to work on them with you.
If you need help having these conversations with your spouse, I encourage you to schedule a free breakthrough session with me.
How to Break the Cycle of The Four Horsemen in Your Relationship
Luckily, there are proven strategies and tactics you can use to reduce the frequency of Four Horsemen communication patterns in your relationships. We will discuss each of them in turn.
Strategies to Reduce Criticism
If criticism is the act of addressing your partner’s personality or character rather than the problem itself, then the remedy for criticism is simple: address the problem.
It can be difficult in the middle of a heated argument to make this shift, but it’s important to start practicing it right away.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself if you recognize that you tend to criticize your spouse:
- How specific can you get in articulating the issue at hand? Don’t speak in general terms; get as specific as possible. “You’re so irresponsible with your money” is a vague criticism. “I need you to monitor our investment accounts more frequently” is a much more specific request that avoids criticism.
- What do you need? When you’re discussing a tough financial topic with your spouse, what are your needs in the conversation? How are you feeling?
By focusing on your needs and feelings, you can turn your statements to your spouse into “I statements” that frame the issue based on your perceptions, rather than speaking to your partner’s character.
If you can start your statements with “I need ___”, or “I feel ___”, and try to minimize the frequency that you use the word “you”, you will go a long, long way to reducing criticism in your marriage.
Strategies to Reduce Defensiveness
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen a couple’s financial challenges or arguments over the past eight years be the sole fault of one member of the couple.
I could mention a number of clichés here: “Nobody’s perfect”, “It takes two to tango”, and so on. It might be corny, but it’s true: outside of situations involving financial abuse (which is outside the scope of this article), the odds are very, very good that both you and your spouse are partially at fault.
The best remedy for defensiveness is to make an effort for both of you to own up to your mistakes and shortcomings.
My favorite exercise to give couples who are engaging in defensive communication is to ask each member of the couple to take five minutes and brainstorm three ways that they are contributing to the problem at hand.
Not three ways that your spouse contributed to the problem. Three ways that you contributed to the problem.
Once you and your spouse have each come up with a list of three things, take turns reading them aloud to one another. Flip a coin to decide who goes first, and then alternate back and forth.
While your spouse is sharing the ways that they believe they are contributing to the problem, listen without judgment and do your best to appreciate that they are owning up to their shortcomings.
One of my mentors, former New York Times columnist Carl Richards, talks about putting on “no shame, no blame” hat for this type of conversation.
It might not be easy to complete this kind of exercise, but you might be surprised at how far it can go to reducing defensiveness in your marriage.
Strategies to Reduce Contempt
In some ways, contempt is a much more extreme form of criticism. So in some ways, the antidote to contempt is similar to the antidote to criticism: get as specific as possible, focus on the problem rather than your partner, and start your sentences with “I need” or “I feel”.
If contempt has been an issue in your relationship, you should start fixing it using the strategies in the previous paragraph starting today.
But the longer-term prescription to address contempt needs to be broader. In the same way that contempt goes far beyond criticism, the response should do the same.
Contempt creates long-term damage to your relationship, so you need to employ some long-term solutions as well.
Dr Gottman describes the appropriate long-term response to the Four Horsemen of contempt as “building a culture of appreciation and respect.”
This is a long-term play – recognize that things won’t immediately fix themselves overnight.
But, here are a few ideas to use to start building this longer-term culture of respect and appreciation in your relationship:
- Start each tough financial conversation by mentioning three things you admire about your spouse or that you appreciate that they bring to the table. This is a similar exercise to the one mentioned in regards to combating defensiveness; it can be a great way to set the stage for healthier communication patterns.
- Highlight positive things about your spouse as much as you can, whenever you can. Small interactions can accumulate and compound on themselves over time.
- Keep the 5:1 ratio in mind. For every negative conversation or interaction you have in your marriage, try to have five moments of kindness or appreciation throughout the day.
None of these are quick fixes. Again, the best short term solution is to use “I statements” that focus on specific problems.
But if contempt has been an issue in your marriage in the past, it’s important to go beyond the difficult topics to speak about and foster an overall sense of appreciation in your marriage.
Strategies to Reduce Stonewalling
Simply put: use the pause button.
If you feel yourself – or observe that your spouse – is shutting down, pause the conversation for a moment so you both can reset. Generally, I recommend pausing for 15-20 minutes.
The pause button is different than the stop button. I’m not advocating that you stop talking about difficult financial topics entirely.
But if you’re going to have tough financial conversations, I want you to have the best possible chance of succeeding in them. And if you find yourselves falling into patterns of stonewalling, taking 15-20 minutes to reset yourselves is really important.
During the pause, you should do something to shift your state. Go for a quick walk. Splash cold water on your face. Listen to a few of your favorite songs.
Agree on how long you will pause the conversation, take some time to yourself to reset, and then resume the conversation.
When you restart, consider using any and all of the strategies mentioned in the discussions about the other Four Horsemen. And it can also be helpful to paraphrase back what your spouse is saying, to make sure you interpreted them correctly.
You Need to Move Together, and You Should Take the Lead
I initially started to write the strategies to combat each of Dr. Gottman’s Four Horsemen of relationships based on who was the one engaging in the behavior. For example, breaking the criticism section into two parts: “What to do if you’re criticizing your spouse” and “What to do if your spouse is criticizing you”.
I decided not to do this, because in my experience, looking at the Four Horsemen of relationships through this lens can lead to more finger-pointing, which isn’t helpful.
The reality is that because the Four Horsemen typically operate in pairs, if you observe your partner communicating with one or more of the Four Horsemen, you can usually leverage the “opposite” horsemen in your own actions to make the first move, which is an excellent way to start making changes.
If you recognize that your spouse is often defensive, take a good look in the proverbial mirror to ask yourself if you have a tendency to engage in criticism. Sometimes, the answer is no… but more often, it’s usually yes.
From there, make an adjustment, apologize to your spouse for engaging in the problematic communication pattern and say that you’re going to do better, and ask them for a microcommitment – to work on improving your communications together through the lens of the Four Horsemen.
The first step is making sure your spouse is aware of how detrimental the Four Horsemen are, and agreeing to work on them together using the strategies mentioned here.
If you can make the first move and address your own four horsemen issues first, and then ask your spouse to work on them with you, it makes it much, much more likely that your spouse will take the leap with you.
Dr Gottman’s Four Horsemen can be devastating to relationships. It’s important to not just focus on eliminating bad communication patterns, but replacing these bad communication patterns with healthy ones.
Working on these communication roadblocks can be really hard, but they’re so worth it. Pick a few of the strategies in this article, and start working on them today. And if you ever need some help, or want a facilitator to help you and your spouse have these conversations, feel free to book a free breakthrough session with me, where we can help you work through these issues – and more.